Entry #5: I'm so glad I never committed a felony
Alright, it’s about time you guys found out about this little incident of mine in the Orient. In my second month in Shanghai, I decided to join a gym. Having moved downtown, I decided that I would join the closest one, which just happened to be a little place called Physical. It was apparently one of the oldest gyms in Shanghai, having been open for over 20 years. Whether or not that’s true, I don’t know. Regardless, I went for a tour and it seemed relatively decent. They had nearly all the equipment that 24 Hour Fitness had back at home except a swimming pool and free exercise classes, neither of which I used on a regular basis anyways. So at first glance, the place is pretty good right? I mean, everything seems to be A-Okay. The guys there are also a lot buffer and cut than the guys at the US gyms. I suppose it’s easier for Asian guys to get cut since not many of them are fat to begin with. So I figure, great. It’ll be motivation for me to loose some excess luggage. I go to the sales girl and I sign up.
Oh, here’s another funny short story. I went to take a tour with Tina while she was here and I suppose the sales girl thought I didn’t speak Chinese because the whole time, Tina and I spoke in English. So the next time when I went to sign up for a membership she starts speaking English to me, or at least I guess it was meant to be English. Two white guys were standing at the counter trying to sign up for a membership as well. After a while I could tell that she was having trouble finding the right words in English so I say to her “Ni jiang zhong wen hao le, wo ting de dong de.” Meaning, “Go ahead and speak Chinese, I can understand.” Well, needless to say, this was a little embarrassing for her, as everyone around us started laughing. I guess the situation was pretty funny though. Two Chinese people conversing in English with neither one being able to understand the other, what interesting times we live in.
Okay, so continuing on with the story, or as much of a narrative as this can be, I sign up for a membership and on my first day, I go to work out. The work out was okay. I was able to do everything in my routine without trouble and on my way to the showers I think “Sure, this gym membership is nearly 4 times the amount I pay at home, but I guess it’s worth it considering I’m able to keep up with my lifestyle. Besides, this place isn’t so bad. It looks so much trendier, and it’s in a high-rise so it looks like pretty cool.” No sooner had I finished that thought did I find a condom wrapper in my shower stall. What on God’s green earth is a condom wrapper doing in a MEN’S shower??? Being the incredibly bright young pre-medical scholar that I am, I immediately deduced that its presence could only be due to one of two reasons. Either one, someone had snuck a girl into the shower and proceeded to fornicate with her, or two, the fornication had been engaged in by two male members of the gym. As the shower was located near the back of the men’s locker room and would prove exceedingly difficult for any female to reach undetected amongst a horde of naked men, save the protection of some shadowy cloak of invisibility, I logically concluded that the latter reason would likely better fit with theories of probability. Needless to say, yet still I must say it, as a biology major and a decently educated human being, I immediately realized the health risks of such lewd public behavior and proceeded to inform the manager of this. I think his response was “Well, you know, this is a big place and all sorts of people come here. We’re extremely sorry” As I left, I curtly told him that should I be diagnosed with AIDS, I would be suing the place.
Now, as if that wasn’t enough. The next day while I’m surfing the net, I come across this article on the Shanghaiist website about gay gyms in the city. As you can probably guess, my gym topped off the list with over 50% of the male members estimated to be homosexual or strongly inclined to delight in anal rapture.
Great, it seems that my luck is the same in all hemispheres.
After I found out this little tidbit of information, I have to say that I got to be quite paranoid. Not because I think I’m some hot-shit by homosexual standards or because my ass is as immaculate as a nectarine in late spring, but because it just made me feel downright dirty to be looked at by other men who might possibly enjoy having their cinnamon hole frosted by their spotting partner.
On two occasions, and keep in mind I’ve been at this place for less than a month, some guy showering across from me has opened his shower curtains just as I opened mine so I can grab my towel and dry myself. Now, this would not be abnormal if he were getting out of the shower as well. However, he did not. On both occasions, the guys just kept showering with the curtains open, staring at me while I dried myself. It was so uncomfortable that I couldn’t even look in their direction. So initially, I would turn my back to them while I dried myself, but on second thought, it crossed my mind that they might actually like it, so I immediately warp myself up and get out of the showers, giving the guy a look of murderous rage, which I have no doubt the ass-plunger took to be a look of “come hither”. Again, I do not hate gay people. I just don’t wish to be made the subject of their fudge packing fantasies. Someone save me.
Everyday, I walk out of the gym and think “God, this is what prison must be like.”
Oh, here’s another funny short story. I went to take a tour with Tina while she was here and I suppose the sales girl thought I didn’t speak Chinese because the whole time, Tina and I spoke in English. So the next time when I went to sign up for a membership she starts speaking English to me, or at least I guess it was meant to be English. Two white guys were standing at the counter trying to sign up for a membership as well. After a while I could tell that she was having trouble finding the right words in English so I say to her “Ni jiang zhong wen hao le, wo ting de dong de.” Meaning, “Go ahead and speak Chinese, I can understand.” Well, needless to say, this was a little embarrassing for her, as everyone around us started laughing. I guess the situation was pretty funny though. Two Chinese people conversing in English with neither one being able to understand the other, what interesting times we live in.
Okay, so continuing on with the story, or as much of a narrative as this can be, I sign up for a membership and on my first day, I go to work out. The work out was okay. I was able to do everything in my routine without trouble and on my way to the showers I think “Sure, this gym membership is nearly 4 times the amount I pay at home, but I guess it’s worth it considering I’m able to keep up with my lifestyle. Besides, this place isn’t so bad. It looks so much trendier, and it’s in a high-rise so it looks like pretty cool.” No sooner had I finished that thought did I find a condom wrapper in my shower stall. What on God’s green earth is a condom wrapper doing in a MEN’S shower??? Being the incredibly bright young pre-medical scholar that I am, I immediately deduced that its presence could only be due to one of two reasons. Either one, someone had snuck a girl into the shower and proceeded to fornicate with her, or two, the fornication had been engaged in by two male members of the gym. As the shower was located near the back of the men’s locker room and would prove exceedingly difficult for any female to reach undetected amongst a horde of naked men, save the protection of some shadowy cloak of invisibility, I logically concluded that the latter reason would likely better fit with theories of probability. Needless to say, yet still I must say it, as a biology major and a decently educated human being, I immediately realized the health risks of such lewd public behavior and proceeded to inform the manager of this. I think his response was “Well, you know, this is a big place and all sorts of people come here. We’re extremely sorry” As I left, I curtly told him that should I be diagnosed with AIDS, I would be suing the place.
Now, as if that wasn’t enough. The next day while I’m surfing the net, I come across this article on the Shanghaiist website about gay gyms in the city. As you can probably guess, my gym topped off the list with over 50% of the male members estimated to be homosexual or strongly inclined to delight in anal rapture.
Great, it seems that my luck is the same in all hemispheres.
After I found out this little tidbit of information, I have to say that I got to be quite paranoid. Not because I think I’m some hot-shit by homosexual standards or because my ass is as immaculate as a nectarine in late spring, but because it just made me feel downright dirty to be looked at by other men who might possibly enjoy having their cinnamon hole frosted by their spotting partner.
On two occasions, and keep in mind I’ve been at this place for less than a month, some guy showering across from me has opened his shower curtains just as I opened mine so I can grab my towel and dry myself. Now, this would not be abnormal if he were getting out of the shower as well. However, he did not. On both occasions, the guys just kept showering with the curtains open, staring at me while I dried myself. It was so uncomfortable that I couldn’t even look in their direction. So initially, I would turn my back to them while I dried myself, but on second thought, it crossed my mind that they might actually like it, so I immediately warp myself up and get out of the showers, giving the guy a look of murderous rage, which I have no doubt the ass-plunger took to be a look of “come hither”. Again, I do not hate gay people. I just don’t wish to be made the subject of their fudge packing fantasies. Someone save me.
Everyday, I walk out of the gym and think “God, this is what prison must be like.”
posted by Peter at 7:58 PM
3 Comments:
you have too much time on your hands.
You know, gay men, just like straight men, like all parts of a person's body. It's not all about cinnamon holes. But if you give someone a clear indication that you're not interested, they'll leave you alone. And not everything you do around gay men is taken as a "come hither" look. Every presumptuous comment in this post makes it sound like you're more of a threat to gay men, with your ignorance, than they are to you.
You know woman don't like to be stared at by you when they go to the gym either, and not all gay men at that gym are there to stare or be stared at either. It's unfortunate that you went to a gym where there are likely to be a lot more gay man than you'd like (which naturally increases the possibility of some "lewd" activity since gay men are a lot more likely to put out for each other than a woman is to a man...), but you need to just grow some balls and deal with it.
For what it's worth, I'm a gay man who's been in a monogamous relationship for four and a half years and I'm not comfortable making eye contact with anybody in the locker room, gay or straight. And I was just as surprised (though slightly amused and ultimately not surprised, especially in Manhattan...) to find a condom in my shower stall today. The funny part was that mine was in a golden Trojan Magnum wrapper, so somebody knew what they were getting or had just the right size for themselves...
On second thought, I suppose this post was a bit malicious and ignorant. I apologize for that.
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